Innehållsförteckning för December 2013 från Maxim

Our spooktacular October issue scared the pants off some readers, and some models as well. Xtina Excites! Regarding Christina Aguilera: Holy shit! I never realized how beautiful this woman is! What a great photo spread you guys did with her. Two thumbs up. Toes, too… Hell, everything up! —Jeffrey Crain, Kalamazoo, MI We appreciate the enthusiasm, Jeffrey, but please put your belly button back down. Wait, that’s not your belly button? Oh, you poor bastard… OK. I had made up my mind that after the Alyssa Milano issue [July/August], there would be no need to buy another issue from you. My goal was to stop buying magazines so I can save money. But then you have an issue with Christina. And it comes out two days after my birthday. I…

The acclaimed director (and Knicks superfan) has a new revenge flick called Oldboy…and one final day. How would you spend your last day on Earth? My last day will be spent walking over the Brooklyn Bridge, on the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, and through the Fort Greene section of Brooklyn. What’s your last meal? A slice of original cheesecake from Junior’s. What other basketball superfan would be sitting next to you in heaven? Jack Nicholson. I admire him so much. He’s a great actor, he’s from New Jersey, and he knows basketball. Here’s the thing about Jack and me: We would be doing the same thing at a game whether we were courtside or in the last row. Will you see the New York Knicks win another championship before you go?…

We can’t tell whether it’s better to be naughty or nice when it comes to Santa’s new helper. So what’s the verdict? Are there bad boys or good boys in the office? The staff was nice, but there are definitely some cheeky ones in the bunch. I caught a few peeking. What were some big gift requests this year? I think the most popular request was just to sit on my lap! Once they took a seat, most guys asked for sporting goods and tech stuff, but others froze up and looked a bit terrified. Don’t worry, you’re definitely not as scary as the Santa at the mall. I doubt I’d get as many visitors as him. I probably wouldn’t get too many women sitting on my lap, just high…

Please, stop the man-sanity! It all started with meggings. Why, we wondered, are “man leggings” a thing, and what can we do to stop them? A strongly worded letter? A protest? Arson at the manufacturing plant? Instead we went with passive disapproval, and our silence was soon punished with the arrival of “murses” and “mangagement rings.” All of a sudden, dudes who weren’t in rock bands were using “guyliner” to blacken their eyes. Isn’t that what getting punched in the face is for? The final straw of this disgraceful trend came with the recent launch of HommeMystere, a line of lingerie…for men: “manties” and “brosierres” and other lacy things to indulge your bulge. The way we see it, if you want to wear women’s underwear, grab some duct tape and…

ENTER HERE! Maxim.com/contests* WIN THIS! BlackBerry Q10 or Z10 and gain access to the Maxim app on BB10. Results at Maxim.com or in the March issue! *NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED. Open only to legal U.S. residents, 18 years or older. Contest begins November 17, 2013 and ends December 7, 2013. Odds of winning depend on number of eligible entries received. For entry and official rules with complete entry, eligibility, prize, and other details, go to www.maxim.com. Sponsored by Alpha Media Group Inc. OCTOBER’S WINNER: Think about baseball. Think about baseball. Think about baseball. —Katie Ogle…

A silent-but-deadly-to-the-nostrils way to break up your next meeting. Materials: • Book of matches • Household ammonia • Clean 20 oz. glass botle with cap • Scissors 1 Carefully cut the heads of all the matches in the book. 2 Put match heads in bottle and pour in 2–3 Tbs. of ammonia. Cap it and swirl contents around. 3 Let it rest for three to four days. During this time the liquid mix forms ammonium sulfide, a vapor associated with hydrogen-sulfide gas, which is that disgusting rotenegg stench. 4 Now it’s time to bring the bottle to your desired “explosion” site. Make sure you’re not near any heat or fames, since the vapor is now flammable. Plug your nose, uncap, and accuse Barry from accounting of farting. Gross, Barry!…

1 Stephanie HARRISON, NY 1 Rebecca ATLANTA, GA “Most people don’t think I am Hispanic until I open my mouth! Well, that only applies to days when I’m not wearing cleavagebearing shirts.” 1 Christen MEMPHIS, TN “My guilty pleasure is ice cream and cuddles…not necessarily at the same time.” 1 Christine DALLAS, TX “I love chain restaurants. In L.A. everyone’s like, ‘Have you tried this new artisanal cheese place?!’ I’m like, ‘Have you had Chili’s queso dip?’” 1 Nicole NEWMAN, CA 1 Jamie-Rae LIVINGSTON, NJ “What I love most about my hometown is the endless access to roller coasters.” 1 Molly OKLAHOMA CITY, OK 1 Johana EL SEGUNDO, CA…

WHOEVER SAID, “Beer before liquor, never sicker,” never tried “beer before liquor, before a day at the mine.” I’m definitely sicker, and we’re not even there yet. “There” is Scribner Creek, a goldmining claim two hours outside Dawson City in Yukon, Canada, about 1,200 miles north of the contiguous United States. The drive from Dawson to Scribner is a solid two hours of breathtaking views: spruce trees, mountains, foxes, grouse, the occasional porcupine. It would all add up to a very life-affirming experience if I weren’t so terminally hung over. But I’m not here to bitch and moan. I’m here to shadow Parker Schnabel, the boss at Scribner Creek, and learn about the treasure that’s captivated men since the dawn of time—men like Bilbo Baggins, Scrooge McDuck, Trinidad James, and…

p.4: Wrecking ball, Alamy; Jerry Springer, Film Magic/Getty Images p.10: Santa hat, Gillmar/Shutterstock; ski mask, Bartlomiej K. Kwie ciszewski/Shutterstock; Grinch, Universal/Everett Collection; Hook, © Star Pix/Alamy; Wrecking Ball, © Color to Go/Alamy; Michelle Chapman, WireImage p.12: Spike Lee, Andy MacGregor p.14: Beer, iStockphoto p.18: Victoria’s Secret, Dimitrios Kambouris/WireImage p.22: Christmas Tree, Robert Harding World Images/Alamy; banana peel, ZCW/Shutterstock; pillow, Judith Collins/Alamy p.24: Damien Fahey, Gary Gershoff/Getty Images; phone booth, Leon Neal/Getty images; Snyder, Jim Rogash/Getty Images p.26: Jerry Springer, Film Magic/Getty Images p.29: Spanky Spangler car crash, Walter Hinick/AP Photo; Spanky Spangler, Matt McDermott p.30: George from Arrested Development, 20th Century Fox/Kobal Collection; Shawn Thorton, Jessica Rinaldi/Corbis, Shawn Thorton, Steve Babineau/Getty p.32: Andrew Luck, USA Today Sports pp. 58–59: Ian McKellen, Sarah Dunn © Warner Bros. Entertainment pp.68–70: Minotaur, Maydwell…

Treat yourself. You’ve earned it. Nikon 1 AW1 Most rough-and-tumble cameras skimp on the stuff that matters, like the ability to shoot stunning stills. This war-zone-ready shooter—a top-shelf interchangeable-lens cam capable of producing pro-pleasing pics—is easily the best rugged cam we’ve ever gotten our dirty digits on. $800, nikonusa.com Fretlight Bass Guitar Don’t trust your ability to finger with finesse? This bass guitar’s neck is lined with LED lights that make it easy to learn where to place your pads as you follow along with PC-powered lessons and tunes. $500, fretlight.com Xbox One Looking at the next Xbox’s uncanny graphics, it’s hard to imagine this system’s abilities will ever be surpassed. But when the day comes that games require more horsepower than this system can give it, Microsoft is letting…

As these real-life holiday meltdowns demonstrate, ’tis the season to be crazy. HOLIDAY BREAK-IN In November 2011, Terry Trent, 44, was allegedly high on bath salts and Christmas spirit when he broke into a house to put up holiday decorations. Police were called and charged Trent with burglary and possession of illegal amounts of festivity. GRINCH MOB At the annual Santa Claus Parade in Ontario last year, a 24-yearold man with his hair gelled into devil horns ran around screaming obscenities and telling children that Santa wasn’t real. Police arrested him for disturbing the peace, and now he’ll forever be on Santa’s naughty list. YULETIDE STABBING After stealing a Christmas ornament at a craft fair in Connecticut, Ruth Wagner, 55, allegedly used it to stab a vendor who tried blocking…

Boozy blessings to make the season extra jolly. CANDY CANE SHOT GLASSES Normally when you eat a shot glass, the shards shred your intestines and you die of internal bleeding. But with these festive shooters, made of real candy cane, that doesn’t happen, plus drinking schnapps becomes fun. It’s a Christmas miracle! $20, candywarehouse.com WHISKY ADVENT CALENDAR What better way to count down to Jesus’ B-day than with the sweet nectar of the gods? Each of the 24 doors hides a 1 oz. whiskey sample, including at least one 50-year-old singlemalt scotch. Taste a new one every day until Xmas, then lie down in a manger to sleep off that hangover. $235, masterofmalt.com THE 12 DRINKING GAMES OF CHRISTMAS Within this box o’ fun are a dozen holiday-themed drinking games,…

This month Victoria’s Secret will debut its 18th multi million dollar bejeweled Fantasy Bra. Here’s how to take it off her. 1 After a few minutes of kissing, slip your hand under her shirt and softly whisper, “Your bra isn’t the only thing that can cut glass right now.” 2 The clasp can be tricky to unhook. Ask the security guard standing nearby for a hand. 3 With steady hands, delicately remove the bra. Admire your date’s breas…Oh, my God, look at those sparkles! 4 Thank her for an amazing evening. And since a woman wearing a $5 million bra could attract the attention of nefarious street thugs, do the gentlemanly thing and offer to wear it home for her.…

—Troy Nelson They can’t smell your fear, but they can smell your nervous B.O. “When afraid, a person sweats, discharging ‘does not belong in hive’ chemicals,” says Deborah O’Dell, associate professor of biology at the University of Mary Washington. “When bees detect that, they produce an alarm pheromone that may signal others to attack.” So always wear strong, unscented deodorant around bees. Actually, that’s good advice even for when you’re not around bees, you smelly scaredy-cat. Why do we use pennies?—Don Lumb A big reason for keeping the cent alive is that losing it would lead to inflation. “Prices would likely be rounded up to the nearest nickel,” says Michael Fuljenz, president of Universal Coin & Bullion. “Plus, producers of zinc and copper would lose contracts worth tens of millions…

JERRY SPRINGER steps in before the chairs fly at your holiday dinner. WATCH THE MENU “Holiday meals are full of sloppy foods like mashed potatoes and gravy, so if you know there’s going to be drama and things might get thrown, stick to serving solids. And for the record, when it comes to flying objects, the last time a chair was actually thrown on our show was 17 years ago. Security always gets there in time.” DITCH POLITICS “Having a couple of glasses of wine is no reason to suddenly proclaim, ‘You know what, maybe I do like George W. Bush,’ at the Thanksgiving table—even if it’s long been a source of internal conflict. You can have a heated discussion about baseball, but skip topics like political philosophy if they’re…

1. Kenneth Cole New York Powered by You watch, $250, kennethcole.com 2. Montegrappa NeroUno quartz watch, $1,450, montegrappa.com 3. TAG Heuer Carrera 1887 automatic chronograph, $6,200, shop.tagheuer.com 4. Swarovski Piazza Grande quartz watch, $900, swarovski.com 5. Tissot Luxury men’s automatic watch, $995, tissotshop.com 6. Longines Conquest Classic watch, $3,950, shop.us.longines.com 7. Express Stainless-steel watch, $168, express.com 8. Bulova Precisionist Champlain chronograph, $750, macys.com 9. Seiko Kinetic watch, $275, sears.com 10. Bulgari Diagono Calibro limited-edition watch, $12,800, bulgari.com 11. Rado Hyperchrome Court watch, $4,600, radoshop.com 12. GUESS Stainless-steel watch, $115, guesswatches.com 13. Movado Series 800 chronograph, $950, 866-680-3105 14. Fossil Retro Traveler chronograph, $135, fossil.com 15. Nixon The Sentry SS watch, $200, nixon.com 16. Breitling Superocean 42 limited-edition watch, $3,290, breitling.com…

Santa’s Pub Nashville, TN READER PUB CRAWL The Dive Bar Las Vegas, NV “Wish someone would’ve shot me on the way in.”—JEREMIE OVERSON Phil’s New York Deli & Tavern Charlote, NC The Big Hunt Washington, D.C. ‘Reel M’ Inn Tavern Portland, OR One-star Yelp review: “I saw a crackhead lady nearly getting it on with a patron on the pool table.” Matt’s Bar & Grill Minneapolis, MN “Once I met a girl there who had given birth 12 days prior to going back to the bar. I guess she’d waited long enough…”—ALLEN ANTHONY Dolphin Lounge Columbus, OH One-star Yelp review: “The regulars at this place give out siders the stank eye.” Ray’s Happy B-day Bar Philadelphia, PA St. Pauli Bar Chicago, IL The Gaslite Los Angeles, CA Jimmy’s Corner New…

No Bull. You Can Be a Minotaur! Every mythological outlier needs a mechanical outfitter. Enter sculptor Kim Beaton. The New Zealand resident—and an FX specialist who worked on the Hobbit trilogy—specializes in ceramics, fiberglass, bronze, and fantasy…with the end result being inverted limb extensions known as Weta Legs. For a cool grand, wannabe man-beasts can stride six feet a step with a gait that Beaton describes as “creepy and inhuman.” Adds the artist of her unique clientele, “We make them for street performers and cosplay. Satyrs and minotaurs are the most popular, and every once in a while an indie movie needs a big demon/werewolf/alien.” The dexterity required just to move the damn things raises the question: Is this another exercise trend waiting to happen? “It’s certainly a workout,” admits…

You really think a fat guy who pals around with elves has the market cornered on sweet gifts? Sorry, Santa, but our collection of sleek tech, insane toys, and sexy vehicles blows away anything you’ve got in that pathetic sack of yours. McLaren 12C Spider If there’s anything on Earth capable of drawing our eyes away from stunning scion Paulina Gretzky, it’s this drop-top supercar with parking-lot-dominating jackknife doors. Brimming with technology culled from McLaren’s 50 years of Formula 1 experience, this British beauty’s appeal is way more than sheetmetal deep. Every bit of power (616 horses’ worth) is squeezed out of its relatively small (and thus lightweight) 3.8-liter V-8. Sure, its top speed of 204 is 3 mph less than its hardtop brother’s, but we’re willing to make that…

Airstream Land Yacht MakerBot Replicator 2 Samsung Curved OLED TV HP Envy Recline 23 All-in-One PC Beats Edition Tumi Mixology Backpack Tumi Mixology Backpack Just Do It DON’T SIT ON YOUR ASS—GET OUT AND EXPERIENCE AWESOMENESS. Virgin Galactic Classic Car Club Manhattan Razer Edge Pro Tablet 2014 Polaris RZR XP 1000 THERE’S NO REASON TO SMELL LIKE DAYOLD CHRISTMAS HAM. Acqua di Parma Colonia Assoluta 10th Anniversary Nautica Voyage N-83 Gucci Made to Measure…

This porn star’s mug shot made our jaws drop. Name: Michelle Chapman (Tori Black) Age: 24 Charge: After her fiancé accused her of being an “unfit mother,” the award-winning porn star allegedly punched him in the head, kicking off an altercation in a Vegas hotel that ended with both being arrested for domestic battery. Hotel security guards who saw the whole thing unravel on video surveillance hailed the event as a masterpiece rivaled only by the 2010 classic Tori Black Is Pretty Filthy 2.…

Three apps to ensure you have the best night ever (most likely followed by the worst morning ever). SceneTap Using anonymous facial detection in participating bars, this app shows crowd level, male-to-female ratio, and age range. free, Apple, Android DrinkOwl DrinkOwl uses GPS to tell you what happy hours and drink specials are nearby, you cheap, lazy lush. free, Apple, Android, BlackBerry Findmytap With this app, track down fave on-tap brews, select pubs by distance and taps, or tag brands so you’ll always find them. free, Apple, Android…

Scientists have brilliant minds. Brilliant, filthy minds. Need evidence? Here are the names of real chemical compounds that sound like they were thought up by a middle school class clown. CUMMINGTONITE What it is: A mineral discovered in Cummington, Massachusetts. What it could be: What the person who discovered it thought was going to happen every night after getting famous for finding a rock. CLITORIACETAL What it is: A chemical derived from the Clitoria fair childiana plant. What it could be: That thing you can’t find on a woman. FUKALITE What it is: A mineral found in a Japanese mine called Fuka. What it could be: Sex when it’s “just the tip.” NONANAL What it is: A naturally occurring chemical used in flavorings and perfumes. What it could be: A…

A guy waits in his urologist’s office for test results. The doctor walks in, looks at his chart, and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to need to stop masturbating.” The guy says, “What? Why?” The doctor replies, “Because it is very distracting while I’m trying to read this chart.”—DARREN GEARY A man is in an interview. “What would you say is your biggest weakness?” asks the employer. “Well, I think I’m too honest,” he replies. “I don’t see that as being a weakness at all,” says the interviewer. To which the interviewee replies, “I don’t give a shit what you think.”—MIKE HUDETZ A penguin’s car breaks down and has to be towed to a garage. The mechanic tells him it will take a few hours to diagnose the problem,…

SPANKY SPANGLER, star of the History Channel’s American Daredevils, preps you for a very hard landing. 1 DON’T SKIP MATH CLASS When I was young, I didn’t want to be called a daredevil, because I felt I was more of a professional. I use science and degrees and radar guns. I’ll crash, then look back at the deceleration rates and calculate the G-force and figure out if I need to go higher or faster next time, but eventually, I figured if calling me a daredevil sells more tickets, I’m all for it. 2 PRACTICE ON THE CHEAP You can’t do large-scale crash stunts without an audience; the setup is too expensive. But you can train for free falls by experimenting with height and landing techniques. I started out jumping one,…

Congratulations on your Maxim shoot! Are you a big gearhead? You would think so, since I have three brothers and even my mom and little sister are very tomboyish. We’re all more sports-oriented, but I do appreciate a nice car. That would explain why you’re always in a bikini. Text MAXIM to 50501. Standard data and messaging rates apply. T&C and privacy policy at 50501.mobi. Swim top Basta Swim bottom Mikoh (opening spread, right) Swim top Basta Swim bottom Mikoh Shoes Manolo Blahnik (second spread) Bikini Triangl Gloves Gaspar…

You’re putting Gandalf’s robes back on for the second Hobbit movie. What can we expect from The Desolation of Smaug? The trouble in answering that is that we filmed the three Hobbits at the same time. What is actually in the second film, I’m not quite sure. I know that Gandalf has quite a big stake in this one. It’s pretty striking stuff, quite violent, hopefully exciting, and a bit mysterious. "Patrick Stewart and I laugh a great deal and care about each other. If that’s a bromance, then, yeah!" Have you seen the final design of the evil dragon, Smaug? No, I’m as in the dark as everybody else! Gandalf doesn’t meet Smaug, so I haven’t needed to inquire what he looks like. I’ve seen his lair; I’ve seen…

Twenty years ago the young Texan writer-director Richard Unklater, his loyal crew, and a dosen future stars pulled off a truly rare feat: They made a film about the American ’70s experience, complete with shag wigs and arena rock (but not the Zeppelin tune of the title), that somehow delighted and spoke to a generation of ’90s kids and still finds new fans each year. A box office bust in its day, Dazed and Confused is now a Criterion-approved modern classic that rewards watching again and again. It’s also one of the most quoted films ever. What was the secret? Wit? Sure. Will? Given indie Linklater’s struggles with the perplexed major studio, absolutely. Weed? Yes. ! Mostly the weed. You may not want to go with us now to the…

Fun stuff that won’t bust your bank. Nerf N-Strike Elite Centurion Blaster Game over, man. This foam-flinger is the most long-distance Nerf gun ever, capable of showering its soft power up to 100 feet. The secret: a new strain of colossal-caliber darts engineered to fly to far-off targets. $50, nerf.com Leap Motion Controller Meet the tiny Kinect-like device that lets you control your computer by waving your hands. Point a finger to shoot bad guys! Flip air to turn a page! Basically, everything you could do with a mouse, but while burning slightly more calories. $80, leapmotion.com Tactical BBQ Apron This SWAT-style apron features pouches and a heavy dose of hooks and holsters. Not only will you need less surface space for tools, but your hands will be free to…