Indholdsfortegnelse for May 2020 i Cosmopolitan

You might already know beauty assistant Ama Kwarteng from Cosmo’s YouTube channel, and you def already follow her genius skincare advice (whether you realize it or not), but have you *seen* a day in her product-packed, event-filled life? No. No, you have not. Edited by Jessica Pels (AKA me, the boss) 5:30 A.M. I admit it, I’m one of those people who wakes up at an ungodly hour to exercise. My main motivator: the $15 cancellation fee I’d have to pay if I missed my BodyRok strength-training class. I do not understand you people but I commend you 7:45 A.M. I listen to The Daily podcast from the New York Times as I get ready for work (does anyone else find Michael Barbaro’s voice ex-treme-ly calming?). We’re testing hundreds of…

He’s got that high school quarterback vibe you hate to love (even though, ’scuse you, he actually played hockey). So I got him to take a break from his busy Hot Man Schedule of filming Top Gun: Maverick and Netflix’s Hollywood to embarrass himself, just a little. Tell me where you’re sitting right now. I’m actually at my parents’, making lasagna with my mom. Wait, that’s adorable. Do you like to cook even when your mom’s not involved? Yeah, I make a really good bowl of Frosted Flakes. Something we have in common! Let’s talk about your own apartment. Are you a laptop-in-bed kind of guy? TV on the dresser? Neither! I try to keep technology out of the bedroom, you know? Sure, I guess the bedroom is best for……

Iil zodiac symbols, miniscule pet pics, delicate cursive—been there, Pinned that, got the targeted ads to prove it. But while we normies spend months on end debating whether a subtle so-hot-rn finger tattoo could make us unemployable and/or our mothers disown us, famous people are still out here inking up their literal entire bods. These masterpieces are the biggest “they’re most definitely not like us” flex since “I clearly don’t have to carry any of my own shit” micro purses. Here’s a fun little ranking for ya, from almost normal size to absolutely huge. I’d do this, too, if I could afford to get it removed. smol-ish 1 MILEY CYRUS She could hide this art under regular clothes, but…why? 2 RIHANNA A “tribute to her grandma” in the form of…

intrauterine copper contraceptive Brief Summary Paragard ('par-uh-gahrd) (intrauterine copper contraceptive) Paragard T380A intrauterine copper contraceptive is used to prevent pregnancy. It does not protect against HIV infection (AIDS) or other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This information is not comprehensive. Please see the full prescribing information at paragard.com for additional information. Read this Patient Information carefully before you decide if Paragard is right for you. This information does not take the place of talking with your gynecologist or other healthcare provider who specializes in women’s health. If you have any questions about Paragard, ask your healthcare provider. You should also learn about other birth control methods to choose the one that is best for you. What is Paragard? • Paragard is a copper-releasing system that is placed in your uterus by…

~*make your sleeves as big as your dreams*~ “I’d love for my shoulders to look bigger” is something I never thought I’d say. But now these puffs are the only thing I want to wear. They’re just so fluffy and magical, and they make me feel like a gd boss. Can we make “puffs are the new pantsuit” happen? Turn the page to see shop for yourself. HERE’S THE THING There are so many diff levels on the of ficial Puff Sleeve Scale, so you can go subt le or really pile on the poof and still be “on trend.” “Freeeeedom!” —your shoulders when they’re not suffocated…

Much respect, but fashion is diff now! if you’re the moodboard type, I’m willing to bet yours has this v famous Marilyn quote on it: “Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.” The OGs knew how important clothes were in crafting a public image, which is even more true today (hi, my/your/everyone’s personal brand). Problem is, they lived in a time when there was only one narrow view of the “ideal” kind of woman: white, petite, and “modest yet sexy yet innocent” with big “domestic bliss” vibes. Well thank god we’re in the 21st century now, so let’s go ahead and anoint the new fashion idols we all deserve. Lizzo 2019 was her YEAR, and she’s gonna be a mainstay with spicy ’fits like this.…

1 Best cleansing brush “This bb scrubs me so clean without irritating my face.” —LAUREN BAL SAMO, senior beauty editor 2 Best lash curler “Turn it on, pick high or low heat, then slowly wriggle it through your lashes and get a curl that holds up all day.” —CH LOE ME TZGE R, senior beauty editor 3 Best tweezers “(A) These are pretty enough to keep out on display, and (B) they have a precise, slanted tip that makes grabbing itt y-bitty hairs NBD.” —R U BY BUDDEME YER, beauty edi tor 4 Best teeth whitener “Wearing these minty Whitest rips and binge-watching true crime on Net flix is honestly my peak Saturday night.” —AMA KWARTENG, beauty assistant 5 Best hair dryer “This is freaking FAST. I can literally blow-dry…

1 Best pressons “I quit my $30 mani habit months ago, and now you’ll catch me only wearing these. They fit my nail beds perfectly, so no one can tell they’re fakes.” —AK 2 Best nail-care kit “LOL, my nail sitch before this was a sad plastic bag. But this kit would be an upgrade for anyone, with a super-shiny top coat, a dual - sided file, and a cuticleoil pen.” —CM 3 Best natural nail polish “Yes, vegan, plant - based polish is a thing—and guess what? It’s just as good as the conventional kind. This lasts me a solid five days without chips.” —LB 4 Best fast-dry nail polish “If reaked when I first tried this polish. It literally dried in 56 seconds (I timed it). I exclusively…

We get that you get it, but we’re gonna say it again anyway: Beauty is not just one thing. It’s a zillion different looks and styles and identities and kind of impossible to pin down. So let’s celebrate all of it, starting with some real talk from these truly inspiring humans. They’re part of Project #ShowUs—a genius initiative from Dove, Girlgaze, and Getty Images that celebrates women who break beauty stereotypes and helps get their faces into the pages of magazines like ours (hi!). MARÍA from Mexico City, Mexico ON IDENTITY AND STYLE “In the Spanish language, there is no word for ‘queer.’ So when Ifinally got close to that word and its meaning in English, it really influenced my style. I love playing around and not trying to fit…

Anyone else kind a turned on? Behold the chicken nugget of the produce world. It tastes like nothing, goes with everything, and is easy enough to make that you’ll actually, like, want to. Look at you doing things! IF YOU’RE SORTA SPICY Break your cauli into chunks and toss ’em in a bowl with buffalo sauce before dumping them on a baking sheet. Bake that ish at 425 degrees until golden brown (25 to 30 mins). IF YOU’RE CRAVING TAKEOUT Preheat ze oven (425 degrees again) and put small cauliflower pieces on a baking sheet. Drizzle with olive oil and as much curry powder as you can handle. Roast for 20 to 30 mins. IF YOU’RE FEELING ITALIAN Break up your veg into chunks that fit in a blender or…

START How long have you been on your current script? A. A few months, maybe? B. It’s been 84 years. C. Technically, I’m not “on” anything. I use condoms. Have any of these issues popped up since you started? A. I’ve had either severe cramping, new mood probs, major weight gain, or heavy, irregular bleeding. B. Acne or lower libido (but I’m hoping they RIP soon!). C. None of the above, praise be. Okay, so clearly, it’s working for you. But is there anything you’d change? A. My sunstache (aka melasma) is not ideal. B. Nope. Did you recently update your relationship status? A. Just broke up and downloading Tinder this very second. B. We’re in a monogamous LTR and both STI negative. Do you ever worry that your contraception…

But first, did you know you have a birth *flower*? You do and it’s preeetty. Which is why it’s fantastic news that it’s officially Randomly Splurge on Flowers season. A bouquet of these beauts will help you channel your Big Sun Sign Energy. Or, you know, at least match your zodiac-themed wall art. ARIES Honeysuckle A sweet, fearless climber. TAURUS Rose Classic, classy, and just a bit thorny. GEMINI Lavender If flowers could talk, it would be the flirtiest. CANCER Lily What’s more welcome-home-y than a lily? I’ll wait. LEO Sunflower Always the scene-stealer. VIRGO But tercup Tracy Flick, but make it flora. LIBRA Bluebell So soothing, so ~harmonious~. SCORPIO Geranium Try staring at one without your eyes watering. Yeah, exactly. SAGITTARIUS Dandelion Will pretty much grow anywhere. CAPRICORN Ivy…

(No creepy nanny cams nec.) By LISA STARDUST Now that your astral plane is clear (look at you!), it’s time to focus on keeping any new WTF feels out. What you need is a little ~magickal protection~, courtesy of the charms below (relax, you can get it all on Amazon). Follow these instructions during a Waning Gibbous lunar phase (that’s astrolese for “a few days after a Full Moon”) and stage your finished work throughout your home. The more you make, the safer you’ll stay. THE INGREDIENTS • Glass mason jar• Salt• Rosemary• Clear quartz• Writing tool• Wax WHAT TO DO Fill the jar halfway with salt and rosemary. Put in the quartz. Write down what you want to protect on a piece of paper and place that inside. Seal…

Once upon a time, that time being 1982, there was sex. And then, suddenly, there was sex. The difference? A teensy half-inch ribbed nub on the upper front wall of your vagina. Scientists—and magazines (hi) and books and sex-toy companies and movies and TV shows and your roommates and your sex-ed teacher—reported that it was a universal key to The Mysterious Female Orgasm. And thus began the era when you were supposed to be able to say “it blew my mind” to your girlfriends at brunch. Or was it three inches wide? Farther down, near your vulva? Slick instead of ribbed? Kinda springy to the touch? Whatever, it was it. And fuck if we all didn’t work hard to find our own. Back in 1982, Cosmo told women to get…

Hello and welcome to this rundown of everything we could dig up about the party so exclusive even Kim Kardashian couldn’t snag an invite until Kanye finally got Anna Wintour’s approval to bring her as his date. “The Oscars of fashion” is a Vogue-hosted museum fundraiser, sure, but it’s also a chance for ~600 of the world’s most beautiful people to one-up each other, make some trouble (heyyy, Dakota Johnson’s and Bella Hadid’s smoking selfies), or show off new boos. J.Lo and A-Rod, Nick and Priyanka, and Travis and Kylie all made their big couple debuts on the iconic Met steps. Here’s all that goes into the first Monday in May. The ~order of events~ Too-damn-early a.m. Entire day of glam begins. Most boldface names are a couple of blocks…

Songs to strike a pose to 1 Electricity BY SILK CITY AND DUALIPA 2 Trndsttr BY BLACK COAST 3 Hot Tot tie BY USHER 4 Doin’ It Right BY DAFT PUNK 5 7 Years BY JASMINE THOMPSON 6 Shining BY DJ KHALED WITH BEYONCÉ AND JAY-Z 7 #GETITRIGHT BY MILEY CYRUS 8 Easy BY ANNA WISE AND XAVIER OMÄR 9 In Common BY ALICIA KEYS 10 I’m Kissing You BY DES’REE BONUS TRACK! Plus one happy-cry jambc why not? 1. “A total turn-up song! It doesn’t matter what you’re celebrating: a graduation, a marriage, just partying. This is absolutely what you should be playing. You can’t listen to it and not smile.” 2. “If you’re making your friend do an Instagram photo shoot for you, this is the perfect soundtrack.”…

ICYMI, you’re reading a throwback edition of this section right now. To mark the Very Important occasion, I went ahead and “scientifically” analyzed your grown-up fuel of choice to determine your childhood fuel alter ego. The stakes are high, I know, but don’t you want to do life knowing if you’re a freakin’ Bagel Bite? LATTE WITH ALMOND MILK POLLY-O TWISTS You’re a little basic—but you pretend not to be, which is why you have le twist (duh). You lie in wait, ready to call out your barista for using regular milk even though your dairy intolerance is a lie. BLACK ICED COFFEE BAGEL BITES You think you’re better than everyone else because you’re both pizza and a bagel. Frankly, you’re not wrong. So go sip your drink and preach that you…

Which beginner alcohol still low-key scares you? 53% Four Loko 20% Pinnacle Whipped 18% UV Blue 9% Mike’s Hard Lemonade So about your first car… 61% LOL, I miss my aux cord. 20% I can’t talk about my family’s minivan. Too triggering. 19% ’Twas the coolest car in the lot. How “good” was your first time having sex? Describe your first apar tment in two words: 56% So cute! 25% Weirdly dirty? 19% Always unlocked What was life like af ter your first breakup? 55% It was pretty standard Bridget Jones shit. 33% My Facebook statuses were tragique. 12% I’m still listening to Sam Smith. Not over it. OH, HEY Wanna weigh in? Follow us on Twitter for our next poll.…

The bags under my eyes head are designer, thx.…

ROLLIN’ UP TO BRUNCH LIKE Take this style from bed to buffet by throwing on a knit cardi, classic loafers, and a crossbody. We love to see that minimal effort! BOARDROOM BABE Trust me on this. If your job’s not in a v, v corporate setting, silky boxers + blazer + heels = a bomb choice. DATE-NIGHT VIBE Bring all the comfort of home with you on a romantic evening out—just swap out your old sorority tee and slippers for a ruffled top and standout sandals. THE ARTSY ONE Show off your ~creative personality~ with a bunch of patterns and bold hues—embrace that fashionable art teacher energy.…

1 Best body wash “This isn’t your basic body wash, ppl. It is infused with firming collagen and leaves my skin feeling soft and plump.” —AK 2 Best natural deodorant “Every other one I’ve tried makes my pit sitch. This one’s designed for sensitive underarms—and it actually works.” —LB 3 Best body SPF “One whiff of this coconutty SPF takes me back to high school, but the formula is so far from outdated. It dries matte and feels smooth.” —RB 4 Best body scrub “I’m the queen of KP (aka bumpy arms), and nothing has ever made a dent in my redness or roughness like this 10 percent glycolic and lactic acid scrub.” —CM 5 Best body makeup “The viral pics don’t lie. The body foundation covers veins, bruises, and…

1 Best texturizer “Because a dip in the ocean isn’t a realistic way to get beach hair on a Monday morning, I use this spray to create salty, secondday texture.” —LB 2 Best leave-in treatment “This 3 - in-1 lotion soothes your scalp, moisturizes your ends, and gently detangles. Doesn’t get any easier than that, folks.” —RB 3 Best shampoo and conditioner for natural hair “Hot tip: This duo is the first step to getting bouncy, happy, and healthy cur ls.” —AK 4 Best braid cream “I’d compareinding the perfect braid cream (aka this one) to when you wake up before your alarm and realize that you can go back to sleep for two more hours. It’s awesome.” —AK 5 Best volumizer “You guys, this volumizing foam made my flat-as…

Your Memorial Day weekend is filled with dreams. Of long, lazy Netflix binges. Of all the laundry you’ll finally get done. Of testing the limits of how much takeout a human being can consume. (See also: your Fourth of July weekend, Labor Day weekend, Thanksgiving weekend—all your holiday weekends.) But a sneaky, evil trend is now threatening those precious 72 hours. Wait, what did you just say? Holiday weddings sound harmless, festive, maybe even fun? Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa. First, they zap your bank account even more than regular weddings do. Travel over, say, New Year’s Eve is insanely expensive, especially when a zillion other vacame tioners want to stay at the mid-century boutique inn the bride guilt-insists you book. (Like, I really want to come to your…

Put all your online shopping selects in a cart, then x out of the page and wait for an email reminding you to complete your purchase—with a discount. Sign up for a free trial with any clothing rental company. Cancel it before they charge you and…try a new one right away! Sell any clothes or accessories you don’t wear anymore (online or at an IRL consignment shop) to make some extra cash for new stuff! Get free samples from Sephora. Ask for Starbucks gift cards for every birthday, holiday, and minor accomplishment you can think of. Some companies have discounts at local stores and with online partners. Find out if your job has perks! If the company has free pads and tampons, use those. Then pocket some for later. A…

Please leave me to my cube of shame. The authors of your new career bible Earn It! are swooping in to save you from your of fice fails. “Every time I try to have an honest conversation about my overwhelming workload or issues with coworkers, I start crying. What can I do to make sure my manager takes me seriously?” Mika: Your boss can’t see you as a leader if you cry through basic but important conversations. They might even avoid you for fear you could “break down.” Therapy could help you learn to manage your feelings. No crying at work! Daniela: Don’t overthink it. When I worry about something happening, it usually does. But the rules of crying in the office are evolving, and you’re not a robot. Just…

You know how after an awful roommate moves out, your place still kinda feels like an emotional crime scene? Like, her dirty dishes are gone, but her messy ways are still messing with you? It’s because they *are*. Energetically speaking, at least. See, we’re all connected to something called the (warning: vibe-y term ahead) astral plane. It’s basically where the intangible aspects of our relationships live, and it helps explain how even if someone (that roommate, an ex) vacates a space, they can leave behind a strong impression. The good news: Scrubbing your home of gross leftovers isn’t so hard. All you need is a calendar, a broom (witchy version optional), string, a lighter, and a few plants or herbs. 1. FIND A DIVINE TIME Full Moons serve as celestial…

If you've never been turned on by a torn-out piece of magazine paper, that's about to change. Consider this worksheet your shortcut to the kind of sex life you already masturbate to, filled with everything you love and… everything you're about to love. Mark it up, then casually leave it for your partner-on their nightstand or, if you're cruelly trying to cause a mid-meeting boner, in their workbag. How TF to use this thing I wanna do this to you = Mark with a Not interested = Just leave it blank Yes, do it to me = Circle that ish Hmm, maaaybe = Underline it ROLE-PLAY FANTASIES DOCTOR + PATIENT PROFESSOR + STUDENT FOOT BALL PLAYER + CHEERLEADER DAENERYS TARGARYEN + JONSNOW YOGA INSTRUCTOR + YOGI VAMPIRE + VICTIM PLAYTHINGS SPANKING SPECIFICS…

Every thing about this story is so L.A. For starters, at this very moment, Sarah Hyland is working on her “gratitudes.” We’re even having dinner at Café Gratitude, a plant-based restaurant with unironically named menu items like Thriving (broccoli soup) and Pure (Asian kale and seaweed salad). Sarah orders both, then finishes a story about her energy healer, who, technically, is Lucy Hale’s energy healer, who Sarah started seeing last summer to rebalance her vibrational levels. At this expert’s direction, Sarah now wakes up each morning and says things like “I put myself first” and “I’m grateful to have two legs to walk on” to any vibes listening. She knows that what she says next (and also that thing she literally just said) (and also what she just ordered) might make…

An art exhibit you can actually relate to. Self-care is the millennial’s main hobby.…

the first time Baby Yoda waved his tiny magic hands onscreen, a friend immediately asked which camp I was in: “I would kill for Baby Yoda” or “I would die for Baby Yoda.” My answer: “I want to give birth to Baby Yoda.” I stand by that statement. Which is wild, because I famously do not want to have kids. It’s just not for me. Besides the obvious reasons ($$$$, poop, responsibility), I constantly think about an article I once read that said not having a child is the most effective way to cut your carbon footprint. Basically, it’s how I preemptively justify the many private planes I’d charter if I spontaneously became a billionaire. It’s my only defense if I ever meet Greta Thunberg. Except now, there was this…

Okay, I get why Hollywood keeps casting objectively hot people to play murderers (you can check my math: hot people = more viewers = more money). But now, we have an outbreak of Normal Folks developing ~feelings~ for Terrible Men. Like, sure, Ted Bundy wooed victims with his charm and good looks, but did we really need to give him Zac’s six-pack too? Or cast the adorable Ross Lynch as a high school–age cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer? Or strikingly good-looking Zach Villa as American Horror Story’s Richard Ramirez? Here to further complicate our feels: a fresh class of unnecessarily sexy criminals characters, coming soon to a screen near you. as Dr. Death Remember when you listened to the Dr. Death podcast and didn’t sleep for months? No? Then how about a…

pdancer2283: “Yes, this was my username. I didn’t realize at the time how risqué it sounded, but I promise that the ‘p’ did not stand for ‘pole’!” —PATTY, 24 Jaded_JC_xD: “If my crush didn’t start a chat with me within five minutes of logging on, I would purposefully log out and log back in to make sure they saw that I was online.” —JC, 26 mojojojo34: “One time in sixth grade, I asked the guy I liked who he was into over AIM. He said, ‘Why???’ and I responded, ‘Sorry, my sister sent that lol.’” —MARIAH, 25 burtonboarder777: “One time over AIM, my classmate said, ‘I like you. Do you like me?’ I responded, ‘Yes! I like you!’ Then he said, ‘Lol, jk, I don’t,’ and signed off. My first…

Who among us does not agree that the high school yearbook committee was a corrupt bunch of cons? But now, we’re serving justice: Answer the prompts below and smash those responses together to discover your true 18-year-old identity. WHEN WAS YOUR FIRST LIP TO LIP? ON THE PLAYGROUND = Least… MIDDLE OR HIGH SCHOOL…AND I HAD BRACES = Most… HOW DID YOU GET TO SCHOOL? I was a “walker” = …likely to appear on Love Is Blind The bus, just like everybody else! = …likely to get a cheap, spontaneous tattoo Mom or Dad drove me = …likely to go viral on TikTok My brain blocks out traumatic memories? = …likely to drop their skincare routine when nobody asked them I skipped school most days = …likely to have a sandwich named after…

LOGOMANIA “I don’t like huge brand names. You shouldn’t have to be so blatant. Let the design of your clothes or handbags do the talking.” — Leigh, mom of associate fashion editor Lauren Adhav PRAIRIE DRESSES “I hate all those frumpy small-floral-print peasant maxis.” —Vickie, mom of editor-in-chief Jess Pels MUSTARD YELLOW “Adding gray to any primary color = a dirty color.” —Becca, mom of senior fashion editor Rachel Torgerson (it me—hi, Mama!) SHORTS + SLEEVES “If your arms are cold, your legs are cold.” —Sarah, mom of supervising producer Abbey Adkison BUCKET BAGS “I’m not a fan of these because I’m afraid someone will swipe Jaclyn’s wallet.” —Maria, mom of accessories market editor Jaclyn Palermo HOT PANTS “I’m not trying to see people in shorts with their booties hanging…

1 THE JEWELRY Little secret: This is two versions of the same necklace, worn at different lengths—one choker level, the other at the collar. I think the metal helps funk up the overall vibe. Whitney’s own necklaces 2 THE JACKET Wear a suit and people think “work.” That’s why it’s important for this tuxedo-style option to be boxier. It makes it more fashion, less stuffy. The lighter material also helps. Love, Whit suit jacket, available at Rent the Runway 3 THE BAG Adding texture is key, so the faux croc on this bucket design is why I picked up this guy. (It’s also super easy to just stick my hands in and grab whatever I need at any moment.) And I’m very into the very long strap. Mansur Gavriel bucket…

1 Best eyeshadow palet te “It instantly Marie Kondo’d my makeup bag with 12 shades, enough to do four completely different lewks.” —AK 2 Best bright lipstick “I am here for a vibrant red that glides on without skipping or getting patchy and feels like wonder ful nothingness on your mouth.” —AK 3 Best bronzer “This powder formula give me a Zendayawor thy glow. I love how buttery it feels when I sweep it over my nose and cheekbones.” —RB 4 Best dewy foundation “True story: Someone actually called my skin ‘radiant’ while I was wearing this foundation.” —CM 5 Best blush “How to tell if you’re wearing a bad blush: It looks like you’re wearing blush. This one looks like skin.” —CM 6 Best concealer “Another ‘Wait, you’re wearing…

1 Best everyday face wash “The only cleanser that can convince me to, you know, actually wash after three glasses of wine.” —LB 2 Best scalp scrub “After blasting my hair with dry shampoo for a week straight, my scalp is begging for five minutes with this exfoliator.” —AK 3 Best face oil “I just pat a couple of drops into my skin and thanks to blurring pigments and plant-based oils, I look like a dewy angel.” —AK 4 Best eye cream “A multitasker that does legit every thing (brighten, soften, smooth) you could ever want an eye cream to do.” —AK 5 Best face wipe “These require ZERO rubbing to get the job done. Bless you, micellar water and rosewater extract.” —AK 6 Best retinol “Wanna know something amazing?…

You know this feeling: You’re trolling through the IGS library to find the perfect lil something to complement the smooshiest-ever pic of your dog. But alas, nothing fully captures your love like a literal selfie of your face would. Cut to you following the instructions below and completing your final evolution into an IGS magician. STEP 1 Open up Instagram Stories and prepare to post like you normally would. STEP 2 Hop into your Photos app, find whichever photo or GIF you want to ~transform~ into a custom sticker, and tap and hold the thumbnail until a window appears. Select Copy. STEP 3 Go back to your IGS draft and a little box on the bottom left corner should appear with the photo you copied. Make sure to tap Add…

i love a Bloody Mary. So Tom Sandoval* and I created one for our book, Fancy AF Cocktails. Those of you in college will appreciate this most, for obvious reasons, but what clever adult at some point has not wondered: Instead of throwing away this drive-through swag, what if I drank it? Plus, you can screw the cap back on and carry it to brunch. #BYOBtoB, bb. BLOODY DESPERATE MARY 2 ounces vodka 1 ounce water 3 fast-food ketchup packets 2 Cholula hot sauce packets Splash of pickle juice Pepper packet for garnish Pour the vodka into a water bottle, then add the water (FYI, each indented line on the bottle denotes an ounce). Add the ketchup, hot sauce, and pickle juice. Put on the cap and shake. Pour over…

Use these why-didn’t-I-think-of-that hacks to turn your period days (or, tbh, any days) into your absolute faves. Set your morning alarm for an hour earlier…not to be productive but to watch an episode of your favorite show in your PJs before work. Skip washing your hair—and consider this your excuse to push the limits of what dry shampoo can do for you. Related: Enjoy 30 extra daily minutes of the free time you deserve. Wear leggings to the office. (With a blazer, ofc. You’re a ~professional~.) Block off noon to 1 on your cal all week so no one can interrupt your lunch with another meeting that-should a been-an-email. Use crushed-up chips from the vending machine as a topper for your no-longer-sad desk salad. Finally get around to returning that…

ARIES (03.21–04.19) Those late nights are def going to pay off soon—this is the time for major money moves. Mid-May, your focus turns to networking, so plan to ~connect~. TAURUS (04.20–05.20) Drama with the squad is your theme rn—so sorry, babes! It might be time to ditch the pals who are dragging you down and find some new ride-or-dies. GEMINI (05.21–06.20) Turn off literally all your push notifications, clear your Google Cal, and add a weighted blanket to cart. May = you taking the most time to find yourself. CANCER (06.21–07.22) Prepare to get even tighter with your homies. And yes, that includes actually leaving the house to socialize. You’re being pushed out of your comfort zone—that’s a good thing. LEO (07.23–08.22) Big changes are coming at work, kitty cat,…

it was his driver’s license that gave Robert* away. He’d just told me to pick out a movie on his iPad, with a casual “passcode is my birthday” from the other room. I knew his birth month, ofc, but didn’t want to admit I’d blanked on the exact date, so I reached into his wallet. And then there I stood, staring, mouth wide fucking open. I got out my phone’s calculator to check the math I fooled myself into believing was my error. But nope: He was fully FORTY-FIVE years old—not already pushing-our-age-gap 35, as he’d said. When the two of us first locked eyes at a rooftop bar, I could tell Robert was slightly older (regular 20 somethings don’t wear watches that cost more than my rent), but I…

MY OVER ALL NIGHTSTAND VIBE Cluttered and overflowing. It’s a mess, and I’d be lying if I said I could navigate it. Thank you for asking me to do this interview, by the way—it has really drawn into focus how urgently I need to get organized. WHAT’S IN THERE AT ALL TIMES A crystal dagger, which I use to kill ghosts! I WOULDN’T WANT MY MOM TO FIND… If I didn’t want her to find it, why would I say it here?! She will definitely read this. MY SNACK SITUATION If there are any in there, they’re buried deep and in a very advanced state of decay, so I’m probably better off never finding them. WHAT’S ON TOP A light. My keys. And a random pile of change. WHAT I…