Indholdsfortegnelse for Live Yourself Happy - 3rd Ed i Live Yourself Happy - 3rd Ed

Happiness means different things to different people – what makes one person happy might make another feel unhappy, and vice versa. However, science has shown that there are some fundamental things we can all do to ensure we start living our happiest lives. The decisions we make, our behaviour and, most importantly, our mindset all contribute towards this end goal. Gaining a greater understanding of ourselves will help us to make the right choices so we can avoid negativity, be more authentic, and start living more content and fulfilled lives. Why do we feel certain emotions in specific situations? Why do we behave in particular ways? And what can we do to overcome the things that hold us back? Learn all this and more by delving into the world of…

Dr Sophie Mort, clinical psychologist and the author of A Manual For Being Human** (£14.99/$18.50, Simon & Schuster), shares her experience of overcoming panic attacks… “I had my first panic attack aged 18, when I was on holiday. I kept telling myself I had sunstroke, which was why I overheated and my heart was racing. Then the next day it came back, over and over. I knew then that it wasn’t the sun. My panic attacks then escalated to the point where I didn’t leave the house for nearly three months, as everything I did set them off. I quit university and didn’t see friends. I finally saw a therapist and she taught me techniques to manage the panic. After a month, I noticed that the attacks had lessened enough for…

MORNING AFFIRMATION  ‘I’ll handle what today brings’ “When we get upset because things don’t go to plan, it’s often because we weren’t aware of our plan in the first place,” says Sarah. Think about what you’re expecting today, so you can skilfully meet the moments that don’t deliver. MIDDAY REMINDER  ‘I can do this’ When things get tough during your day, repeat this mantra. “You’ve done hard things before. Know that whatever it is you’re facing, you already have everything you need to handle it,” Sarah explains. “You have your presence, your attention, and your breath. You’ve got this.” EVENING MANTRA  ‘I did my best today’ Use this mantra before bed. “Reflect on what was good,” says Sarah, “what was hard, and who you helped or who helped you.”…

If you’ve ever found yourself crying at an advert or a scene in a soap opera, for example, you may have been accused of being a tad too emotional. But we cry for a reason and, as the saying goes, it’s better out than in. In fact, it can do us the world of good. Surprisingly, scientists don’t really know what goes on inside us when we cry. “We know that crying is a parasympathetic reaction [the parasympathetic nervous system is our rest-and-digest function], but we’re not yet certain whether this activity is the cause or the result of the crying,” says clinical psychologist Professor Ad Vingerhoets. Here’s what we do know about crying’s ability to help and heal… The power of tears Aside from the fact that crying makes…

Nature is violent. In a world where only the fittest survive, animals must engage in deadly battles to pass their selfish genes to the next generation. But, there’s a wrinkle in this tale of teeth and claws. Sometimes, it’s the kindest that survive. Biologically speaking, our primary goal as animals is to maximise our evolutionary fitness – our chances of passing on our genes to the next generation. And, in theory, every act of kindness comes at a cost. By putting the needs of others above our own, we reduce our evolutionary ‘fitness’ and increase theirs. Imagine a society where everyone is kind – if you do something nice for someone, they’ll do something nice for you. You sacrifice some of your evolutionary fitness for them, but they pay you…

Forgiving someone isn’t an acceptance of the person who has wronged you, and doesn’t have to mean that you’re now okay with whatever has happened. To forgive someone means you’re simply crossing the line between being stuck focused on the past and accepting the present. You no longer want revenge, and the negative feelings that you accumulated in the aftermath are decreasing. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that it did happen, rather than torturing your brain with thoughts of the alternatives. When you are ready to move on and live in the moment, you are ready to forgive. This sounds much simpler than the reality, especially when circumstances can be complex and range in severity. We might think we are ready to move on when our minds have actually just…

If you want to develop trust in a new relationship or friendship, try these top tips. LISTEN When someone you’re with is talking, listen to them properly and intently. Trust is a two-way connection and as they open up to you, you’ll feel more confident about opening up in return. COMMUNICATE YOUR WORRIES If you find it hard to trust due to a specific past experience, then don’t be afraid to explain this, and that you’re trying to learn to trust again. Honesty breeds trust. TAKE YOUR TIME Don’t rush into anything. Take a little time to build a new relationship and the trust that comes with it, and stick to your boundaries. DON’T ASSUME Set aside your doubts for a period of time; it can be easy to fall…

You might discover a lover based on initial visual attraction, their beaming personality that comes through during the first conversation you share or maybe even through a recommendation from a mutual friend. However, what you may not have known is that you are subconsciously analysing their genetic make-up. This might not be the first thing you grow to love about someone, but your sense of smell creates an attraction to people with a different immune system to your own. As an incredibly beneficial evolutionary tool, our bodies aim to partner up with someone with the potential to create offspring with the best chance of survival. This is possible because a person’s unique smell is created by the same sets of genes that make up their immune system, enabling us to…

An argument that has gone too far can feel like hell. One of you makes what seems like a fairly innocuous comment: ‘On the phone again?’ or ‘What do you mean, you forgot?’ Then, before you know it, you’re in a full-scale showdown. There may or may not be shouting, tears, eye rolling or passive aggressive, snippy comments. You can feel your anxiety levels and blood pressure rocket. Things are getting heated – or chillingly frosty – yet, you’re no closer to reaching a truce. “If you’ve got a good strong relationship with someone, whether it be a partner, sibling, friend or a work colleague, the occasional argument can be a good thing,” says clinical psychologist Dr Michael Drayton. “In a healthy relationship, arguments enable people to learn from each…

If Dunbar is right and we can only handle 150 personal connections at any one time, then where does social media fit in? We might have hundreds or even thousands of connections on these networks. It’s thought that the brain can differentiate between the online chats we have with acquaintances and our face-to-face social interactions, but it still requires some of our cognitive power. This means that we could be expending some of our ‘friendship energy’ on these online connections, rather than nurturing our physical friendships. Being online also takes up valuable time, leaving us with fewer opportunities to invest in our real-life relationships. This could, over time, erode the strength of our face-to-face friendships. While social media certainly has its place to help us feel connected, ensure that it…

The COVID-19 pandemic changed many things about daily life, especially in relation to social contact. In fact, more than a third* of British people said they would never take hugging for granted again. And there’s good reason why staying a metre or two away from our loved ones hit hard and felt more than just inconvenient. “The reality is that hugging – an action humans have done instinctively forever – has a very real impact that reaches far beyond closeness,” says psychotherapist and couples therapist Audrey Stephenson. “Through touch we soothe emotionally, regulate neurologically, rest cardiovascularly and connect soulfully. That’s a whole lot of loss.” Here’s why a simple hug can be an instant healer… Watch out for any warning signs Oxytocin is also known to boost your mood, while…

Steve Harrison dedicated his life to the practice and teaching of yoga after a transformational experience with a yoga master. We asked him why learning to meditate is so hard, and what we can do to make it easier. “I think for me the first thing to understand is that meditation is a state, rather than a practice. It’s convenient to say ‘I practice meditation’, but it’s not really the case. We can create an internal environment that is conducive to slip into a meditative state, but you can’t actually do meditation because meditation is where doing ceases to happen.” WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LEARN TO GET INTO A MEDITATIVE STATE? “In a modern world, it can be unrealistic to ask a mind to be able to focus.…

1. SWITCH UP YOUR WALKS Blue space walking is a simple way you can connect with water. “Check an online map to find your nearest water sources such as a river, lake or canal, and factor them into your weekly walks,” says Catherine. 2. SOOTHE WITH SOUNDS Listening to water inspires calmness, focus and creativity. Even the smallest garden or balcony has room for a battery-powered water feature, or download an app that has sounds of the ocean. Try Naturespace (free on App Store and Google Play). 3. HAVE A RESTORATIVE BATH A relaxing dunk in the tub will deliver benefits, says Catherine. Add healing minerals that are found in seawater. 4. TAKE AN ENERGISING SHOWER As advocated by Wim Hof, aka The Ice Man, turn your shower to cold…

Take a minute and look at the space around you right now. How does it make you feel? Is everything neat and ordered? Tidy and organised? Or are there piles of things that need to be put away? Clutter on the table, shelves filled to the brim and out-of-place items? Catch the thoughts and feelings running through your head when you observe your surroundings, whether that’s calmness and happiness or an overwhelming feeling of worry and stress. Our environment can change the way we feel, even if we’re not completely aware of it. An untidy desk can make it hard to find the materials you need for the day’s work, which can leave you feeling frustrated and unprepared. You might have an outfit planned for a special occasion, but when…

Not quite ready to break up with social media completely? There are ways you can gently step away while also keeping a digital anchor. It’s important to remember that you are in control of your social media; you can curate your own feed. Facebook, for example, has lots of controls. Set up a Close Friends list and opt for any of your updates to only be shared with those contacts. Similarly, set up a Restricted list, where you can pop all those colleagues and family members you feel obliged to befriend, but don’t want to engage with. Next, do a good cull of your Friends list so you’re only connected to people you really want to hear from. You can also opt to Unfollow (but remain friends with) people. ‘Unlike’…

When did you last have time to yourself? When ‘mum’s taxi’ went on strike? The laundrette was off duty? The café you run alongside your actual job shut up shop? If that’s the sound of your frazzled laugh, we’re not surprised. But this is no laughing matter. Time to unwind is “like fuel in the tank,” says psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd. “You need ‘self-care’ to function at your best,” she adds. “We’re not meant to be doing and thinking all of the time; we’re not machines.” “WE’RE NOT MEANT TO BE DOING AND THINKING ALL OF THE TIME; WE’RE NOT MACHINES” Me-time isn’t sitting in a bath surrounded by candles (although it can be). Self-care means going for a walk, meeting a friend or staying in bed; whatever you need…

It can be hard not to let negativity seep in to your day, especially during stressful periods of life. A dose of optimism not only makes you feel better, but it’s also good for your physical and emotional health – even if initially you need to force yourself to feel more positive. “An optimistic person is always looking for the best in any situation and expecting good things to happen,” says Kimberly Reed, author of Optimists Always Win (£10.95, Health Communications Inc.). “Even if something negative happens, such as the loss of a job, an optimist sees the silver lining. For example, the chance to pursue a more fulfilling career or hobby, or take a much-needed break. Optimists believe their actions result in positive outcomes, that they are responsible for…

If you have found it challenging to forgive those who mistreated you in the past, that doesn’t mean you can’t train yourself to forgive. Psychologists often work with those desperate to leave their painful pasts behind them and have discovered that those who struggled beforehand were able to achieve forgiveness with some guidance. One of the main factors standing in the way of this closure was overthinking. When the trauma is revisited regularly and in a negative way, this is called rumination. Whether these are angry, sad or anxious ruminations, they can continue to jeopardise mental wellbeing for as long as they persist. By keeping the neural signals for negative emotions firing in the brain, there’s not enough space between these thoughts for the forgiving process to develop. The best…

Most of us spent many hours playing as children, whether it was daydreaming on our own, acting out scenes with toys, or chasing each other during breaks at school. We shrieked with laughter, covered our eyes and counted to ten, created entire imaginary worlds… and we often didn’t need much instruction, or persuasion that play was a worthwhile and necessary activity. But as we grow up, we place less and less importance on play. It starts to seem silly, a waste of precious time, or maybe even a little embarrassing. However, in recent years, there seems to have been a shift in thinking, with adult play becoming more popular. The video game industry, which has adults in their 20s, 30s and 40s as its primary consumers, has grown. Role-playing games…

1 PUPIL DILATION When you like what you see, your pupils get wider to allow more light in. This feature is part of the ‘fight-or-flight’ response to help evaluate potential threats. However, the love of your life often isn’t a threat, and this response is usually linked to the production of oxytocin and dopamine, which are direct inducers of pupil dilation. 2 QUICKENING HEART When you feel physically or emotionally stressed, hormones called catecholamines are sent into the bloodstream. At the beginning of a relationship, people often feel nervous excitement before seeing their partner. In this higher emotional state, the hormones released are responsible for increasing your heart rate and can cause your senses to be on high alert. 3 PAIN REDUCTION Love is sometimes referred to as a drug,…

A good friend is worth their weight in gold but when life is busy, how often do you manage a catch up? With some people boasting hundreds of ‘friends’ on Facebook, it can be all too easy for friendships to become more virtual than real. Perhaps you used to send cards but now it is much easier to post a quick ‘Happy Birthday,’ or you’ve been messaging a friend for months but neither of you have actually spoken on the phone for a year, let alone met up to see each other in person. If this sounds familiar, it really can be worth making a little effort to bring a friendship back to (real) life. An unexpected phone call just to ask how they are, a card or ideally an…

In general, there are some differences between male and female friendships, though the overall benefits on our health and wellbeing are much the same. Male-to-male friendships are often formed more around a shared activity and tend to be less intimate. However, they are more robust, as male friends are more likely to retain friendships after a disagreement, for example. Male groups of friends can be more tribal, meeting up in larger groups rather than one on one. Female-to-female friendships however, tend to be based more on support, intimacy and connection. Women are more likely to want to spend one-on-one time with a friend, to have time to chat and communicate their thoughts and feelings. Women tend to require more communication with each other to maintain a friendship, and these relationships…

WEAKNESS Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” So, it’s little wonder that sharing feelings like sadness might make us feel uncomfortable and somehow ‘less than’ others. Yet that same vulnerability enables us to feel happy things too, like love. After all, falling in love definitely comes with plenty of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But just look at what it can bring in return. OVERSHARING Vulnerability isn’t about attention seeking. It’s not in the blaring headlines of another newspaper exclusive about a celebrity’s broken heart. Brown explains that vulnerability is about sharing our true feelings with those people who deserve to know. A SOLO EFFORT We need the support of others to help nurture our vulnerability. But the good news is that sharing is contagious. Research done…

Yoga teacher Steve Harrison shares a simple four-step meditation practice for beginners. This is an indirect method to do a lot of work on the mind without actually having to fight with the mind. Sit down, get comfortable, take some long, deep breaths, and create an environment inside in which the mind can actually start to focus. BRING THE BODY INTO A COMFORTABLE SPACE The one key is to be comfortable. Any form of physical movement or intuitive stretch can make sure that the body is as fluid as possible. Then ensure that the body is in the most conducive state to relax, without falling asleep. Sit on a chair, or in an armchair, but always ensure you have a straight spine in order to keep the brain-body connection alert.…

There are times when clutter builds up to an unsustainable level and you feel that you’re unable to get on top of it. This is the time to get help from a professional, who can help you to get to the bottom of why you have clutter and what is stopping you from dealing with it. This may be treated with a form of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which can help you to explore your thoughts, feelings and actions around clutter. It can also help you to talk through things like an emotional attachment to items, guilt around clearing things out, or any stress and anxiety that might be holding you back. For some people, however, clutter is a by-product of another issue or disorder. Hoarding disorder is not the…

“If you’re feeling anxious, there are ways you can step back and take control before the symptoms build up and take over,” says Nicky. DO A BREATHING EXERCISE Breathe in through the nose for three seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out through the mouth slowly for five seconds. USE A DISTRACTION TECHNIQUE Try the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique – acknowledge five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and finally one deep breath in and out. TRY POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS Tell yourself, ‘I am safe, I am in control, this feeling is anxiety’, and repeat until you feel more in control of your feelings. MAKE DIETARY CHANGES Small changes to your diet can make a difference…

Positive affirmations have the power to transform your thinking. Mindfulness practitioner and author of And Breathe… Sarah Rudell Beach shows us how to make a mantra work for you. Words of wisdom Mantras are words and phrases that can focus your mind and reverse negative thought patterns. “You can silently repeat them in your head whenever you need them throughout the day, or say them out loud if you find it helpful,” says Sarah. “Once you discover the mantras that most resonate with you, write them down on a Post-it, or on your favourite stationery, and put them where you’ll see them regularly such as on a mirror or your fridge.” Say it with ease When choosing an affirmation it should feel comfortable and appropriate for the internal thoughts that…

1. RECOGNISE OPTIMISM IS A CHOICE YOU CAN MAKE EVERY DAY “This doesn’t mean you feel positive all the time; it’s having the confidence to know you can cope with whatever life throws your way,” says Dr Wheatley. “It means acknowledging the negative, while making a conscious effort to think optimistically. For example, it can be as simple as choosing to smile when you feel glum. It’s your choice to feel down, or to do something positive to take your mind in a different direction. You can’t control everything, but if there’s one thing you can control, it’s what you think.” 2. BE MINDFUL OF NEGATIVE THINKING Next time you catch yourself having a negative thought, swap it for a positive one. “This might take some practice but after a…

A gratitude diary is a great way of helping you to focus on the things you are grateful for. There is no set format for you to start a diary, though there are some you can buy with handy headers and ideas to prompt your thoughts. All you really need, though, is five minutes a day with a notepad and pen. You really should try and write in your gratitude diary every day, which helps to establish a good habit. Write down anything good that happens in your day. You could carry it with you and journal something as soon as it happens, or you could make it a regular part of your pre-bedtime routine. There is no limit to the things you can cover. Did you have a nice…

TRY A NEW SPORT Give a new, fun, non-competitive sport a try. Pick something you would have enjoyed as a child, which is difficult to take too seriously, such as hula-hooping, rollerblading, rock-climbing, paddle-boarding, skipping with a rope or jumping over makeshift hurdles. Yoga is a form of exercise that encourages play, especially acro-yoga – a combination of yoga and acrobatics! EXPERIMENT WITH A THEME A themed night/day/hour could be a solo activity or something you do with your partner, family or group of friends. Choose a theme, such as a country or a time in history, and get into character. Pick the food you eat, the music you play, the clothes you wear, the activity you do, all according to the chosen theme. DANCE Make a playlist of your…

Escapism is a powerful coping method, but it can easily become a defence mechanism for protecting ourselves against feeling any discomfort at all. Too much escapism can lead to behavioural addictions, such as gambling or binge-eating. It is important to differentiate between healthy escapism and avoidance. Positive escapism is a form of self-care, temporarily disengaging us from problems to re-energise, whereas avoidance can become a habitual way of ignoring our problems. Avoidance is being so consumed by our chosen form of escapism that it becomes our primary purpose in life, rather than as a means of ‘refuelling’. It can lead to problems at work, alienate us from our loved ones and cause us to stagnate in our personal growth. We must recognise what it is we are trying to avoid…

LUST During the lust phase, men and women release the hormones testosterone and oestrogen. Oestrogen is released by women and initiates a feeling of longing for physical closeness. Testosterone is produced by men, but females also produce it in smaller amounts. This hormone, like oestrogen, increases sex drive and establishes the first stage of falling in love. At the beginning, the purpose is to have a physical relationship, rather than an emotional connection, which is yet to be built upon. ATTRACTION The second stage continues some of the feelings felt through lust, but incorporates more of the emotional impacts. You will know if you have reached the second stage if you find your heart beating faster when around the person, you begin to feel nervous upon meeting them and you…

However hard one person tries, sometimes it’s not enough to get a relationship back on track, and it can be worth seeking professional help if you want to try to salvage it. “Every relationship has ups and downs, and arguments in themselves aren’t necessarily a bad or unhealthy thing if they lead to issues being resolved,” says Dee Holmes of Relate. “When something seems to be continually looping around however, and arguments become less about practicalities and more of a personal attack with insults and resentment building, that is a red flag warning sign. Counselling with a qualified couple or family therapist can provide a safe space, free from distractions for people to start to get to the bottom of what the real issues are and how to work through…

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” Those are the wise words of Muhammad Ali, who understood both the importance of friendship in our lives, as well as the difficulty of putting what ‘friendship’ means into words. It’s a mutual affection shared between two people who care for and respect one another. Your closest friends are those you can rely on in times of need, who you can laugh with, whose company you enjoy and who you communicate with on a regular basis. Our concept of friendship changes over time. As small children, it’s not uncommon to make friends with strangers in the park after just…

“TOO OFTEN WE HOLD ON TO FRIENDSHIPS THAT NO LONGER SERVE US” Over the course of your lifetime you will, without a doubt, meet a lot of people. As we navigate our way through life, some of these people we meet will end up becoming our friends. Friendships can form when we meet people at various stages of our lives, including when we go to school and university, when we start a new job, or when we participate in hobbies. But what really defines a true friend? What are the differences between acquaintances and life-long companions? And why should you hold on to some and not others? The three types of friendships According to Aristotle we have three types of friendships: friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure and friendships of…

GUILT Guilt is about doing something bad. For example, someone who steals something can learn that they did something wrong and can change their behaviour in future. SHAME Shame is about being something bad. Here, someone who steals something comes to believe that they are a thief and so has far less incentive to behave differently next time. For Brown, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we can change and do better.” VULNERABLE According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary the word ‘vulnerable’ comes from the Latin vulnus (‘wound’) and means being able to be physically wounded or having the power to wound others. More recently, its meaning has widened to include defencelessness against all forms of attack – physical, emotional and psychological. AUTHENTIC Authentic means genuine. In terms…

1 PREFRONTAL CORTEX This part of the default mode network is responsible for decision making and self-referencing. Alpha wave activity (representing a relaxed brain state) increases here during meditation. 2 PARIETAL LOBE The parietal lobes process sensory information, spatial orientation and awareness of the body in 3D space. Changes in activity here are linked to spiritual meditative experiences. 3 THALAMUS The brain’s sensory relay lights up during meditation as attention turns to specific sensations, like the feeling of the breath in the lungs. 4 FRONTAL LOBE Activity in the large lobes at the front of the brain will increase as the meditator starts to consciously control the focus of their attention. 5 AMYGDALA Activity in the brain’s fear centre decreases. With prolonged meditation practice, this part of the brain may…